NEVER ENOUGH
by the Space Pirate Ryoko
 
=========================
This story is based on the manga, actually, and it is a HUGE spoiler!
 It takes place during volume eight (pages 119 to 134, to be exact),
so if you have the manga, follow along!  A lot of the dialogue is
word-for-word (I'm afraid I don't remember who translated it--but if
you went to OSU and translated Marmalade Boy, thank you SO much!).
I've added considerably to what actually takes place in the manga,
but I suspect that this is what our manga-ka was implying anyway.
 
The song I'm using to illustrate Yuu's thoughts is "Life in a
Nutshell" by Barenaked Ladies.  It's a great song and sounded like
Miki to me.  Enjoy!  And let me know what you think!
=========================
 
"Well. . . goodnight."
 
I can't believe this is it.  I can't make myself believe that tonight
we'll say goodbye as sweethearts, go into our separate rooms and
tomorrow emerge as siblings.  It hurts deep in my chest, where I
thought the nerves were long dead.  It hurts everywhere and I don't
want to accept it. I know we don't have a choice; for once it doesn't
matter how much we love each other.  Her father is my father-that's
not the kind of thing we can just wish away.
 
Miki looks up at me, her eyes sad, but dry.  We had a great day
together, a wonderful trip--we should end this on a good note, so we
won't regret it later.  I try to hide my misery.  She knows it's
there, but there's no need to make this harder for her.  I wish I
could take away all her pain, deal with it myself.  It kills me to
see her tremble.
 
"Goodnight . . ." Her voice is quiet.
 
I want to smile, to reassure her.  I can't.
 
I look down at the lock and turn my key, trying to shut out the image
of her forlorn face.  If I look at her, I know I'll lose my courage.
I bite my lip, trying to keep my tears in check long enough to get
into the room.
 
I try to think of something cheerful.  Images from the past flash
through my mind and my breath catches in my throat.  All of my good
memories are Miki.
 
 
//When she was three
Her Barbies always did it on the first date
Now she's with me
There's never any need for them to demonstrate//
 
 
We were never lovers.  Just sweethearts.  As much as I want to hold
her and touch her, I know that I'm going to walk into my own room and
she'll walk into hers and I'll spend the entire night staring at the
wall that separates us.  But I wonder how I'll live the rest of my
life, knowing that there's something I missed, some part of Miki I'll
never know.  And what if she gets married?  Could I handle being
"Uncle Yuu" while she has children with some other man?  How would I
stand it, knowing that some other guy . . . Impossible!
 
But I have to accept that Miki can't be mine anymore.  But how?
Ignoring my resolve, I glance over at her--I can't go into my room
without one more look.
 
She's staring at her door, not moving.  My chest constricts.
 
"What's wrong?" I ask.  I already know.
 
Her eyes grow wide.  "Ah," she stammers in that cute voice I love.
"No, nothi--" She can't finish the lie.
 
My heart aches for her.  For us.  Even after all these months, I
can't think of her as my sister.  I still want to spend every moment
with her, feel the warmth of her body when she hugs me.  Things that
should feel wrong just don't.  She'll always be my Miki--the girl I'm
in love with.
 
I've got to lighten the mood.  I've had seven years to practice
hiding my feelings--I have to pull through tonight, for Miki.  I
smile.
 
"Ohh . . .I thought that you'd lost your key!  'Cause it is you!"
It's a bad joke but it's the best I've got.
 
It works.  She smiles back.  "How cru-u-uel!" she pouts.  It's good
to see her playful.  If just for the moment, my heart lightens.  "I
have it!" she protests.  "In my pocket!"
 
 
//She's like a baby, I'm like a cat
When we are happy, we both get fat and still . . .//
 
 
"Then hurry and go in your room."  My grin isn't forced now.  Miki's
smile is the prettiest thing I've ever seen.
 
"You too . . ."
 
She doesn't move.  I can't go in until she does-I can't leave her in
the hallway all alone.  She watches me, her smile fading.
 
 
//It's never enough//
 
 
Her dark eyes flood with tears.
 
 
//It's never enough//
 
 
With a tiny cry, she throws herself against me, muffling sobs in my
chest.  I fall back, unable do anything but catch her and hold her.
The force of her tiny body hurts, and it has nothing to do with the
sharp corner of the wall that jabs into my back.  She makes my body
come alive in a way that used to be so pleasant.  Now, knowing how
impossible it is, the stirring feels hollow.  It's so wrong, to feel
this way about my sister!
 
But it feels right with Miki.  A tiny voice in the back of my mind
reminds me that we've held each other, kissed each other before--how
is this different?  I put my arms around her.
 
"Yuu," she whispers, her head on my shoulder.  "Yuu."
 
 
//It's never enough//
 
 
Without even meaning to, she rips past all my emotional barriers as
though they were nothing but damp rice paper.  With her choking sobs
and the tears that soak through my shirt, she yanks my insides apart
in a way I'd never imagined possible.  I long to do or say something
that will make this better.
 
The rigid ball of control inside me begins to unravel as her body
leans into mine. Sobs rack her tiny form and I can't hold her tightly
enough to keep her still.  Tears burn in my eyes.  How am I expected
to handle this?  How am I supposed to be strong when everything that
matters is falling apart all around me?
 
I clench my eyes shut as I realize that it's not enough.  Even being
related by blood isn't enough to keep me from loving her.  How can
something like this be wrong?  There's no shame in falling in love.
Who's business is it that we share the same father?  Who's to say
that that makes it wrong for us to be together?  It's killing us.
Suddenly I don't care about the consequences.
 
I can't spend the rest of my life pretending.  I can't live as her
brother, seeing her every day, without giving in, kissing her,
holding her.  Probably more.
 
I love Miki.  She loves me.
 
Nothing will come between us.
 
I snap.
 
 
//But I don't tend to worry 'bout the things that other people say
And I'm learning that I wouldn't want it any other way
Call me crazy but it really doesn't matter
All that matters to me is she//
 
 
Before I'm totally aware of what I'm doing, my hand closes around
Miki's arm and I yank her into my room.  I manage to slam the door
shut behind us before I grab her up in my arms.  My key slips from my
fingers and clatters to the ground, but my mind barely registers it.
 
I'm kissing Miki.  The whirlwind of emotions fluttering inside of me
range from panic to relief, but in the forefront is the dizzy
sensation of her kiss.  During our whole trip, during the time at
home before we left, we haven't kissed once.  Her lips are like home
to me--living too many months without her has taken their toll and
I'm like a man starved.
 
She opens beneath me, her salty lips moving against mine with the
same desperate hunger.  I feel her tears--still flowing--dampening my
cheeks along with hers, and her hands clutching at the fabric of my
shirt.  I tighten my arms around her, pulling her closer, pressing
her more completely against me.  Having Miki in my arms after so
long--it makes me feel like I can't get close enough to her.
 
After a long time, we pull away slowly.  In the dim light of my hotel
room, I'm amazed at how lovely she is.  Her lips tremble and her eyes
are red from crying, but to me she is the most incredible creature
alive.
 
 
//Her life in a nutshell
No way would she want it to change me
It's not easy 'cause my time is often decided for me
For me//
 
 
Gazing down at her, I voice what I've been thinking of since that day
in the infirmary, the day we first kissed.  "Let's get married."
 
She cries harder.
 
I force myself to go on.  "Of course, not right away.  But after I
get a job and we can live on our own . . ."
 
She wobbles, falling toward me and catching herself on my arms.  This
is too much for her.  For a moment I wonder if I made a mistake, if
I'm not making this even harder by ignoring our situation.
 
"Wha . . . What are you saying?"  Even her voice is weak.  Her legs
give out and she slides to her knees.  I fall with her, refusing to
let go.  "That's impossible . . ."
 
I get angry.  "It's not impossible!" I yell, as if saying it louder
will make it more true.  She can't give up on me.  She can't give up
on us!  "From the viewpoint of the census registry we're total
strangers!  There isn't any problem at all!"  I'm starting to believe
what I'm saying and I cling to it.  It's our only hope.
 
"Because!" Miki cries, shaking her head wildly.  "Because we're
related by blood . . . "
 
I grasp her shoulders, desperate for her to understand me, to agree.
"Who cares about something like that!?"  My voice cracks as her eyes
widen in shock.  Is she disgusted?  For a moment I wonder if she's
already given up, already come to see me as a sibling.
 
My confidence drained, I let go of her.  Her shoulders droop, but she
looks up at me, startled.  "To give up . . ." I begin more quietly.
"I can't do that after all."
 
I pause.  Her expression is unchanged, but I notice her tears have
stopped.
 
Taking a deep breath, I try to steady the quiver in my voice.  "I've
come to a resolution," I tell her somberly.  "Common sense . . . and
even morals . . . For you, I'll break them!"
 
For a moment she looks hopeful, and I know I have a chance to
convince her.  My heart swells.
 
"I think it will be terribly hard to take," I continue cautiously.  I
want her to understand everything we'll be getting into before she
agrees.  "We can't have children . . ." I look away--this is
especially hard for me to accept; I'd always imagined having a
daughter just like Miki.
 
I remind myself that giving up an unborn, unconceived child is worth
it to be close to my flesh-and-blood Miki.
 
I reach out to touch her face, my fingers wiping away the last
remnants of her tears.  "We'll probably be haunted by feelings of
guilt forever," I continue.  "It may turn out that we'll spend our
lives reproaching ourselves."
 
A tiny whimper escapes her throat and she licks her lips nervously.
I've never seen her look so uncertain.
 
I fight to assure her.  "Even so," I promise quietly, "I'll show that
I'll endure it."  I'm scared of what I'm saying, but need for her
runs far deeper than fear.  "I'll do anything if it means living with
you," I vow fiercely.
 
My heart beats too loudly as I wait for her answer.  She just stares
at me, frozen.  I understand that it's hard for her-Miki has always
been more concerned than I am about right and wrong.  But aren't we
worth it?
 
I take her hand.  "I want you to endure it together with me," I
prompt gently.  "Would that be unpleasant?"
 
She moves her head without a word.  No.  A deep blush stains her
cheeks and she shakes her head with more conviction.  No!  My lungs
feel like they might burst.  Which question is she answering?
 
Fresh tears spring into her eyes as she reaches for me.  Her fingers
are warm on my neck as she twines her fingers through my hair.  Her
voice weak and her eyes mirroring the panic I feel, she speaks.
"We'll do our best together."
 
Relief crashes over me and for a moment I think I'm drowning in the
absolute joy of her.  I hold her close, finally letting go of the
tears that had been building all evening.  Now there's no reason for
us to be parted, not ever again.
 
 
//She's at the movies, I'm on the phone
When we're separated, we're never alone, but still
It's never enough, it's never enough
No, it's never enough//
 
 
"Together forever . . ." she whispers into my ear.  I just pull her
closer.  Miki.  She's the only thing I've got-she's my whole life.
We kneel together like that for a long time, neither one of us
willing to let go.
 
 
//But I don't tend to worry 'bout the things that other people say
And I'm learning that I wouldn't want it any other way
Call me crazy but it really doesn't matter
All that matters to me is she
Her life, in a nutshell
No way would she want it to change me
It's not that easy 'cause my time is often decided for me//
 
 
After what seems like hours, but not nearly long enough, Miki pulls
carefully away.  She is smiling, her eyes bright.  "Yuu," she says
gently, her fingers pushing my hair from my eyes.
 
I panic inside, realizing that she's going to leave.
 
She stands slowly, pulling the key to her hotel room from her pocket.
 I jump to my feet, wondering how she expects to sleep tonight.
Wouldn't it be better just to stay?
 
I don't want her to go.  In the back of my mind, I'm scared that
she'll talk herself into changing her mind.  I'm scared that being
all alone in her room will give her too much time to think about how
hard this will be.  More importantly, I don't want her out of my
sight.  I'd already spent too much time away from her; the idea of
five more hours alone in this room before breakfast is unthinkable.
She can't leave me tonight.
 
Tiny sparks of desire flame up as I imagine Miki curled up in my bed.
 
"Stay," I suggest urgently.  I grab her wrist, surprising her into
dropping her key.
 
She blinks as me, shocked.  "Umm . . . what?" she asks nervously,
blushing.
 
This isn't something we've ever talked about.  Even though I think
about it--imagine making love to Miki and sleeping in her arms--I
always assumed we'd get there when the time was right.  I don't know
how right the time is now, but it's become something that needs to be
considered.
 
I feel my cheeks redden.  "It's okay, Miki," I assure her.  I want to
make love to her so much it hurts, but if she's not ready, then I can
wait.  I still want her in my room, in my bed tonight.  My heart
pounds mercilessly.  I wish I could feel as calm as I sound.  I slip
my fingers from her wrist to her hand, lacing them around her
knuckles.  "I just don't want to sleep away from you anymore."
 
"I--I . . ." Her lips tremble; I want to kiss them still.  Not
wanting to frighten her, I hold my desire in check.  Leaning down,
careful not to touch her except with my lips, I capture her mouth
gently.  Kissing her as softly as I know how, I try to show her just
how much I love her.
 
Her response is hesitant, but unmistakable.  Stepping closer to me,
she slides her hands up to my shoulders, holding on as I deepen the
kiss.  I slip my hands to her waist, then around to the low curve of
her spine.  I can feel the heat of her back through the thin material
of her dress.  It makes my whole body shake.  She leans, pressing her
breasts against my chest as her arms twine about my neck.  I feel
dizzy-in another moment I'll lose hold of my control.
 
As if she knows how close she's brought me to the edge, Miki pulls
away, looking up at me breathlessly.  "I want to," she says quickly.
"I want to stay with you tonight."  Her face flushes a deep red and
she looks quickly away.
 
My heart beats erratically as I stare down at her in amazement.
She's so incredible, so cute.  I hook a finger under her chin and
tilt her face so she looks at me again.  Her cheeks get redder still,
and I laugh.
 
"Don't laugh!" she protests, flustered.
 
I'm crazy with joy and I laugh harder.
 
"Yuu!"  She shoves me.  Hard.
 
Suddenly knocked off balance, I grab onto Miki as I fall.   We tumble
backward onto the bed, landing in a tangle of limbs.  It takes a
moment for me to get my bearings--all I can think of is how warm she
is on top of me.  The thin fabric of her dress covers my eyes as we
land, and Miki's small breasts press against my chin and mouth as I
try to speak. "Uhh . . . Mi-"
 
"Ehh?"  She yanks away in an abrupt motion, covering her chest with
her arms and flushing with indignation.  Her dark eyes flash angrily
and I know I'm in trouble.
 
"Sorry!" I clench my eyes shut, preparing for the smack.  It's not my
fault, but I understand how Miki can be.
 
Nothing.  I peek through my lashes at her.
 
She's staring at me with an expression I've never seen before, a
mixture of fear and astonishment.  She's kneeling on the bed
straddling my legs, the hem of her skirt bunched around her thighs,
her arms wrapped protectively around her torso.  I notice that she's
trembling.  My heart melts.
 
She's scared.
 
 
//I fell down with no one there to catch me from falling
Then she came 'round
And only her tenderness stopped me from bawling my eyes out
I'm okay//
 
 
She's scared of me, of what we're going to do tonight.
 
"Miki," I whisper, sitting up slowly and untangling our legs.  The
bed squeaks beneath me, drawing our attention to the mattress, to the
bed we'll be sleeping on tonight.  Together.  "Miki, I'm scared too."
 As I say it, I realize the truth of my words.  This incredible,
wonderful girl has promised to be my wife, to stand with me against
impossible odds.  I owe her everything, but suddenly I'm shaking, too
and I don't know how much I have to offer.
 
I reach out, smoothing her hair from her forehead.  I like it like
this, short and wispy.  She leans her head into my palm, nuzzling
softly.
 
"It's okay," she confesses in a low voice.  "I'm always okay with
you."  She crawls closer, putting her hands on my shoulders and
kissing me gently.  I wrap my arms around her.
 
 
//Her life, in a nutshell
No way would she ever want it to change me//
 
 
She smells like summertime--like grass and flowers.  I undress her
slowly, controlling my panic and excitement in order to do this
right.  Each bit of clothing that falls to the floor is a
promise--she and I won't be separated.
 
Her hands on my skin as she takes off my shirt are enough make me
crazy.  She kisses me, running her small hands down my back to tug at
the waistband of my jeans.
 
Looking at her in the half-light, her hair spread out on the pillow
and a blush on her cheeks, I'm grateful to our selfish parents. How I
could exist if I wasn't here with Miki?
 
We guide each other carefully, trying not to be too hesitant.  I'm
overwhelmed by the softness of Miki's skin, the pale smoothness in
the curves of her hips, her thighs.  Her body is everything I'd
expected, and far more--I hadn't known to prepare myself for the
onslaught of feelings that came just from looking at her.  Anxious to
know her with all of my senses, I lick the ridge of her collarbone
and trail my mouth lower.  She's sweet.  She's incredible.
 
Bracing myself with my arms, I look down at her. She's shy and
beautiful and I'm determined to remember her like this forever.  She
touches my chest with her fingertips, sending tiny currents of
electricity through my body.  "You're sure?" I ask, not moving.  I've
never been more certain of anything in my life.
 
She nods, blushing.  "Yes, definitely."
 
I try to do it slowly, try to be careful so she won't be hurt, but
I'm surprised at how much I have to wrestle with my passion even
though we're finally together.  When Miki flinches, bites her lip in
sudden pain, I freeze, thinking I should stop, that it's not worth it
if it hurts her.  But she smiles at me, encouraging.  "It's okay,
Yuu."  Tears gather at the corners of her eyes and I hesitate.  "It's
okay," she repeats softly.  My own body drives to continue, prompting
me to believe her.
 
We move together, and with each shift, each joining, I come closer
and closer to understanding everything about Miki.  About myself.
She holds onto me, her eyes bright as they widen with each new
wonder.  I realize that my bond with her is doubled, tripled--we were
close before, but now we are the same.  I feel secure, knowing that
she is a part of me, that we can't be torn apart now that we know
each other so intimately.  Nothing stands between us now.
 
We are one.
 
"Yuu?"  Miki touches my face, showing me the moisture on her
fingertips.  Her eyes are soft with emotion.
 
I'm crying?
 
 
//And I don't tend to worry 'bout the things that other people say
And I'm learning that I wouldn't want it any other way//
 
 
Both of us exhausted and sore and emotionally ravaged, we lay
together later, still naked beneath the sheets.  She nestles against
my chest, her hair tickling me as I breathe.  I love her so much it's
a physical ache, but I'm happier than I can remember being in the
whole eighteen years I've lived.  I slide my hand down the smooth
skin of her back, wishing we could stay like this always--I know we
can't.
 
Between Miki and me it's easy, but we still have to deal with our
family.
 
"When we get home, let's talk to our parents about us."
 
She twists her neck to look at me in astonishment.  "Huh-h-h?"
 
I suspect that telling our parents the truth will make our
relationship more solid--I'm afraid if we act like we're ashamed of
our relationship, then one day we'll wake up really feeling that way.
 "We know that we're siblings, but I'll explain exactly that we can't
be apart, and get them to give their permission."  I sound more
confident than I feel.  How do I confront my parents when I know
they've lied to me?  How do I tell them that we plan to live our
lives in such a shocking way?
 
Miki looks away, focusing on the ceiling.  "I wonder if they'll let
us."  She sounds distant, sad.
 
I try to reassure her.  "It's those four people who lack common sense
we're talking about," I remind her.  "So they could surprise us and
simply give us an okay!"  I doubt it'll be that easy, but I feel like
they owe it to us.  If they weren't so irresponsible, things would be
a lot different.  "After all, the whole cause of the problem was that
they were hiding something about the past . . ."
 
"But," Miki's voice is small and shaky.  "What if they don't give
their permission . . .?"
 
I gather her close, enjoying the feel of her even as I worry over her
words.  It's a possibility we have to acknowledge, even though I'd
rather forget for a while so we can enjoy the last hours of our
vacation.
 
There is no way they can take Miki from me.
 
"Then . . . We'll elope or something."
 
She cuddles close, shivering.  I understand.  It's terrible to think
that we may have to give up our parents, that they might not forgive
us.  I hold Miki, willing her to fall asleep and forget for a while.
After all this stress, she deserves her rest.   The hardest part is
over.  We're together now--that alone gives us the strength for
anything.
 
 
//Call me crazy, but it really doesn't matter
All that matters to me is she//
 
=========
end
 
Ryoko